Playing By The Rules

It is that time of the year where all the kids are tired, Summer is coming for us in Australia and it is hot. Everyone is beginning to feel hot, bothered and tired at the end of this school year - kids, teachers and parents alike! 

This leads to a higher number of little niggles when playing or interacting with others in the schoolyard, classroom or at work or at home.

This week at school, I have had a lot of conversations about playing by the rules and playing fair. I have not had to have this conversation for a while but it has popped up a few times this week.

And it got me thinking...

We don't have fun when others don't play by the rules. We are disappointed when others don't play by the rules because let's face it....we have an expectation that others will follow them and when they don't, it creates this feeling of frustration or disappointment within us.

So how do we get around that? 

How do we get others to play by the rules or play by our rules?

It's pretty simple...

We can't!

When it comes to games that kids play, it is so much easier to explain that the rules are there for everyone to have fun and to make it fair. In a game - the same rules apply to everyone!

In life though...it's a little different!

  We all have our own set of rules

So here is an interesting thing that I learned a few years ago. It made sense when I heard it but I had never thought of it before! Every single person has their own set of rules in life. We have our own rules when it comes to relationships or romance, friends and family, work or career, money, our health, our spiritual life, recreation and our physical environment. We might not realise it, but how we approach those different areas and our beliefs around them all stem from the rules we have created.

 Your rules are not the same as mine 

It makes sense that because we are all individuals in life, we all have a different set of rules, right? Our life is guided according to our own rules. How we approach each of those different areas in life depends on the rules we have for them. But this is a very important point - we do not have the same rules as the person next to us for every area in life.

 Some rules we share

The people we connect with the most are usually the people who share the same rules as we do. I think I notice this most when it comes to friendships. If we all value similar things in regards to, friendship for example, then we often have the same rules around it. These rules play a part in how we interact, how we treat each other, how we show up for others. These shared rules determine the nature of relationships to others and self.

So what do we do when others don't play by our rules? Good question! We get annoyed or frustrated or even angry and upset with them and sometimes they don't even know why because they are playing by their rules! 

So how do we change it?

 Expectations and disappointments

You'll end up very disappointed if you think everyone has the same heart as you do! We can not blame people for disappointing us. When we have a set of expectations on how we think others should behave, the expectations are set up according to our own rules. Don't be discouraged when disappointment hits. This is your opportunity to observe the differences between you and others and deepen your understanding of how you approach your life and how others might do the same for theirs.

 Find your tribe

There are billions of people in the world. It is not expected that we are all going to be a good fit for each other. So it is important to find the people who are a good fit. Let's call them your tribe! You know, the ones who make you feel most YOU! The ones that lift you up and help you remember who you really are. The ones that remind you that a blip in the road is just a blip! The ones that make you feel better simply by being around them. They are the ones who share some rules, who you see heart to heart. 

 Compassion and Empathy

The key to moving through the disappointment of people not following your rules is understanding. When we recognise that often people are not intentionally going out of their way to annoy, frustrate or upset us, it is a game changer. Being compassionate and having empathy for others and an understanding that we are all travelling different paths helps us to realise we don't have to be disappointed as much as we think we do.

 Figure out your own rules

I want, by understanding myself better, to understand others. We can only understand other people when we understand how we are living. What do you value? What is important to you? What rules do you have when it comes to the different areas of your life?

Just because you don't understand other people's way of living or their rules, doesn't mean that your rules are the only right ones. Our goal should be to try to understand each other. We don't have to fully understand but it's about being understanding and listening. Our biggest communication problem is that we don't listen to understand, we listen to reply. 

 Top Tips for rules and avoiding disappointment

- It is okay to not understand everything others are doing.

- Be mindful that we all value different things in life and we have rules around those values

- Stop thinking too much! We don't have to figure it all out or figure other people out or wonder why they are doing this or not doing that!

- You can choose to be disappointed or you can choose the understanding that we all live our lives differently and that's okay!

- Understand that everyone (including yourself) face unique challenges and approach others with love, patience, tolerance and care.

Until next week...have a wonderfully mindful week!

Clarissa xo